Whoa....I am falling off the Wagon

Its been forever.  I have been busy living life.  I am hoping to get back to writing here soon....actually I am in the process of working on a new little space.

Our family is doing well.  Everyone is growing up.....a little too fast.  We recently took a very fun trip for Spring break.  I lost one of my cards.  First time ever to do that.  Still crying over it.  So all the pics from the first half of the trip are gone but I do have phone pics of which I am grateful.  Anyhow I'll be posting more here in the next few days/weeks as I am working on them.  Here is one of my favorites from one of my most favorite places in the world....Yosemite.

In the meantime I am adding a link to my public instagram account on the sidebar.

Learning.....

This has been such a busy season.  I haven't had a moment to get on here.  I took on too many things again.  A dear friend saved an email to show me in the future when I am feeling lighter and prone to saying yes to things quite easily.  It is a reminder to pause and wait until my littles are not quite so little anymore.  But my commitments will be lightening come January and I am looking forward to a little less rush in the New Year.

Another funny probably in light of the paragraph above.....is that I haven't stopped working.  I got some calls from really good past clients, literally the week after my post.  Aaron and I discussed it.  With winter looming and holes in the roof of our garage we both thought it best that I take on some work to help with the funds to reroof and finish off the first part of our detached garage.  We both think it makes sense to get on that and give the kids a playroom of sorts.  That has been such a waste of space for the last nine years.  It is time to claim it.  And well....the holes were a necessity to get fixed before the rains.  It looks like the jobs I have taken on will help fund this first stage of repairs and walls.  We have dreams of turning the 1920's garage with its snow white cottage look into more usable space with plumbing and a loft bedroom of sorts on the second floor.  But for now we are just getting it repaired and bare bones to use.  Besides two of my dear friends (and babysitters that I owe my life to, ha ha).....I am no longer taking on cheap shoots for friends and church people .  We just can't justify the time away from the kids anymore.  So I think the balance to working is in keeping them to a small manageable amount and keeping the clients to the ones that pay the full amount.  I think I would miss saying goodbye completely.  Its good.  God is really pushing me to face some fears through it all too and that is the most important thing.

Speaking of fears and anxieties.....some have come back.  I think it is something that will probably be a life long battle.  I am learning to tackle it, face it, use it, and really pay attention to what it is telling me.  There are some personal circumstances that (I won't be sharing here...but close friends know) that when they flare up are triggers that set me off.  Also I am very, very effected by medical issues and death with people around me or people I know.  My sister lost a dear YOUNG friend so so quickly to cancer this last month.  Both the diagnosis and the swiftness that she was taken caused me so much heartache and grief and questioning of God.  It really tore me up.  I hate cancer.  Lost a dear friend myself to it it when I was 15.....in November.  I think it all has been showing up in the turmoil I feel inside, the restless nights, the shortness of breath.

This week I really felt like I was spinning.  That my balance was off and I need to get back to center.  I rushed for the mountains.  I love going to the mountains.  I read recently about how Jesus went to the mountains to pray....to be alone.  I love that even my Savior needed to get away alone and I love that he chose the mountains too.  I can understand why.  I got up there and could breathe.  I go to a place where the trails are still closed due to fire.  There is hardly anyone ever up there and its lovely and quiet except for the sounds of the stream and birds and such.  Its always cooler there and there is such a magical dancing of light as it pushes through the trees.  I went there this week and prayed and wrote and dumped.  I wrote 6 full pages in a large journal in less than an hour.  I drove out feeling so much lighter so much more refreshed.  I slept well that night.....I had not in quite awhile.  I am so thankful that I am aware now of the needed time outs.  Aware of what takes me back to center.  I pray that I never drift so far off course again.  I know there will be drifting....that is life but I am hoping that the anxiety is my warning to wake up and readjust.  I will take the knees knocking over the dullness of depression any day.  At least knocking knees are making me move, making me fight to be alive.

Update On Me

I have to say that I am doing pretty well.  I still have periods of not sleeping well, but I am not up all night worrying about my heart racing thinking I am going to kick the bucket.  I have had some stressful events lately that have thrown me into minor panic attacks....shaking, feeling dizzy and confused and crying but they too were short lived and I was able to use the "tools" my counselor gave me to diffuse them and move on. 

I am having to really watch myself and keep things in balance.  I've grown a lot bolder and decisive about things.  I'm caring less about what people think....in a good way.  That was always so hard for me trying to please everyone else....still is at times.  Probably not where I need to be as I know I am a work in progress and this will never be finished.  But I feel like I am growing braver, not taking crud and getting walked all over like I use to, feeling compassionate towards others but knowing its not my place to make them happy.  It seems to be that this adventure will be a constant dance of moving forward and evaluating where I am drifting. 

I was being so faithful with my exercise Feb-Aug I went five days a week no exceptions.  With visiting friends, vacation and illness that sort of got a wrench in it.  I am trying to get back on the full five days again.  Hopefully this week I will get out there moving more.  I don't want to let these habits and positive changes I have made fall by the wayside.  I don't want to end up back where I was.  It so hard juggling all that life throws at me, but I know that I need to make sure that I am doing what only I can do and exercise is one of those things.

The sugar fast is going well.  I have lost 6lbs. total so far....without even trying.  I feel great.  Not craving it much anymore except for the occasional afternoon I want chocolate episode.  I think it has gotten easier since this is the third year we have done it and it is sort of just routine, we know what to do what to eat.

Still working on my project.  I am at a bit of a sticking point and need a creative muse to hit me.  HA HA.  So praying that happens and I can move forward.  Ahhhhh!  Its fun though. 

My New Road and My Sweet Girlie.

I've finally gotten to some of my kids baby and family pics.  I am having nine images printed on canvas (scored a sale).  While I have printed some over the last couple years, I haven't enlarged much of my own.

I am taking a break from my business for awhile.  I am just at that point in life where my kids really need me, they need me hands on, not off on the computer editing or groggy every morning from late night editing.  I felt torn and like I was doing neither very well.  It was a hard choice but I feel deep in my soul it was the right choice.  I had sort of started to burn out and honestly didn't even want to touch my camera much (yeah there was some depression thrown in there and a broken computer didn't help).  I feel like I am coming back alive again.  Now I am just shooting what I want to shoot....and I am able to photograph and edit my kids more.  I feel like I am falling in love again and it is taking me in a new direction.  Maybe some day I will work again when the kids are a little older, but I want to meet when they are older with no regrets.  With how much I am giving out with caring for them and homeschooling I want my photography and my other hobbies to be things that recharge me not leave me drained and frazzled.  Its sorta fun to start this journey down a new and different path.  I hope that it has a positive effect on my images, my art.

Please know that this is MY journey and if you are on the path I was on it is no judgement of your decisions.  We all have different paths we must travel and that still small voice inside leads and guides us where we should go.  This looks different for each of us.  The important thing is to listen to what that voice is telling you, not your friend.  So all you photo mommas out there, Enjoy!!!  Do what you are called to do.  I am being called in a different direction right now and I Must listen to that voice calling me.  I feel at peace in my soul and I didn't before it was a battle.

On a side note I am learning some new things.  Actually taking a class and working on something that is new and exciting for me.  Can't wait to share here.  Soon.  But it is something of my own.  No deadlines, no one waiting on me.  It is recharging me not draining me and that is something that I have really had to pay attention to this year.  Is what I am saying yes to bringing life and joy to my family. (Not that I don't do hard things....I do, but balance.)  I still screw up a lot but I am learning.  Learning to balance commitments.  Learning to say no and keep boundaries.

Okay enough Heavy.  These were some images I had printed.  Yes!  The first one she was my baby.  Wasn't that just yesterday?  The last one was when she turned FIVE this summer.  I love having my girl smack dab in the middle of all these boys.  She is our little beauty and brings so much joy to us all.  I am so thankful God spared her life (those first days were so intense)!  I am so glad that I get to watch her grow.

No Sugar No Alcohol 52 Days - Days 4 & 5

Sorry I had a busy Thursday and Friday and couldn't hop on here.

Thursday
Breakfast: Oatmeal with thinly sliced granny smith apples (LOVE Apples in the fall) and lots of cinnamon.....always tricks my mind.

Lunch: Turkey sandwich on Ezekiel bread.

Afternoon:  Decaf Latte

Dinner: Salad with cranberries, guacamole and tacos.  Went to a local place that uses all organic foods.  I was able to ask chef about ingredients and get what I needed.


Friday
Breakfast: Eggs and an Apple

Mid Morning:  I was teaching art and about to collapse.  HA HA. Boys had some bread read label no sugar ate a chunk.

Lunch:  Turkey Sandwich and handful of sunflower seeds.

Dinner: Home made pizza.  We did have to track down a different sauce....as our usual had sugar.


I am gearing up for next week.  Have some new recipes to try out and looking forward to it.  Finally feel better again.

I weighed myself on Monday when we started and today I am down TWO Pounds!!!  Happy about that.  Might be no sugar might be the fact that I didn't have much of an appetite while I was sick.  Who knows.....I'm just glad it is gone and hope it doesn't come back.  HA HA

EDIT***  These were getting tiresome to me.  HA HA.  I will instead try to compile a list of fav things I ate or did in the week to post here.  Cause everything I eat is boring.  HA HA.  On a note as of Friday I have lost 5lbs......I must have been eating a LOT more sugar than I realized.  I will try to post some recipes I made this week and some things I have been using to replace the comfort of food.

No Sugar No Alcohol 52 Days - Day 3

Today was the first day I really wanted sugar....BAD.  I finished school a little early with the kids today and all I wanted was a chocolate bar.  I felt a little batty.  So I grabbed a handful of almonds and a mug of hot water with lemon and sat down to work on a project I am really excited about.   It worked.  I got so absorbed in my project I forgot about the chocolate.  Win.

So besides that afternoon snack today I ate:

Breakfast:  Egg sandwich on bread with no sugar of course

Lunch:  Leftovers (veggie pasta)

Dinner:  Steak, mashed potatoes and carrots.  We are able to feed our whole family of seven on two steaks we just emphasis veggies at dinner.

I feel satisfied.  Afternoon and evening are usually my two low points where I want sugar.  Tonight I don't feel it anymore.  I feel satisfied.

No Sugar No Alcohol 52 Days - Day 2

Still feeling pretty weak.  No voice....nice to be typing instead of talking.

Today I ate:

Breakfast:  The cinnamon apple fridge oatmeal that I posted below....minus the honey

Lunch:  Baked sweet potato with butter and an apple with natural PB

Dinner:  Sweet Aaron made dinner (I finished school and literally hit a wall and hid in my room with the baby.  It was a long day but we rocked school....even with me losing my voice....I just hurt there now.)  He made rice with chicken and veg stir fry.  Okay the soy sauce at TJ use to have sugar in it....but it doesn't anymore.  Or at least the one we got there.... Exciting. 

I still don't have much of an appetite....I probably get more creative when feeling better again.  :)  Excited that we have over 30 people participating with us this year that I know of.  We have a great start to a FB group going on with tips, encouragement etc.  I think it is going to be fun this year.

I hate not having pics on post....so boring.  I took a pic of sweet potatoes but you know its just mush hee hee.  So instead I will post our last day eating sugar....we were making a huge batch of pumpkin scones and Kade decided to turn on the mixer on high when I was across the kitchen heading out the door to call the big boys from the tree house.  I have never seen the kitchen aid put that much out.  It was like a bomb.  Kade was scared and started crying.  I laughed.  Couldn't help it.  He said he would never touch the mixer again....poor kid.

No Sugar, No Alcohol 52 Days - Day 1

Well today starts our annual no sugar no alcohol until Thanksgiving.  This will be our third year to do this little fast.  The first year we started the beginning of November but last year and this year we moved it to a bigger challenge of the first of October.  I have to say I was ready for it this year.  Having had a long vacation the beginning of September I feel like I have let my nutritional eating and restraints slide.  Combine that with the fact that five out of seven of us got the flu this last week and are still somewhat recovering.  I feel like crud so I was actually excited to start today.

We have many friends joining us this year.  Some that have done it before, some that are new to the adventure.  Some are near and some are very, very far.  I am thinking of setting up a little group on FB but also I am going to try to post what I am eating here.  Don't laugh at how unbalanced it is sometimes.

For Aaron and me,  we basically do no processed sugar and no alcohol.  The alcohol part is pretty easy for me....not Aaron.  I don't drink much to begin with especially now with the other health issues I have had.  The sugar part is NOT easy.  The first year we used Honey last year I did not.  The only type of sugar I allow is fruit.  But if you are joining us the choice is yours.  Do what works.  The first year I did this I was a sugar in coffee drinker.  I cut that habit forever.  I am actually now an only occasional coffee drinker and usually decaf (I am really effected by caffiine now.) so this will be interesting because in the past coffee was my filler for sweets.  HA HA.

So here we go.

This am I had Ezekial bread toast.

Mid morning I ate a piece of cheese.

Lunch I ate Cheese, Almonds and an apple.

Dinner I had Pasta from TJ (you gotta read labels some have sugar heaven forbid) and on top of it we had lots of garlic, tomatoes, purple onion and artichoke hearts tossed in olive oil.  YUM  With a little Parm on top.

I really probably need to cut back on the cheese tomorrow.  This is gonna make me laugh.  Not cut the Cheese (HA HA HA) but cut back.

I know this doesn't look like a ton of food but I am still sorta recovering from the flu and don't have a huge appetite yet.  I did take my vitamins and cod liver oil and drank tons of water today. 

I think I am going to run now and make this for tomorrow morning....the apple one.  With no extra sweetener.  For tomorrow morning.

Source: theyummylife.com via Bethany on Pinterest

Whirlwind of a Week

I'm here.  We got back from our spontaneous vacation last week and hit the ground running.  One hour after I arrived home I found out my kids were accepted into a Charter homeschool.  It is basically a public school charter where everyone homeschools.  My kids were all on the waiting list and the last I had spoken with them it sounded like maybe if I was willing one of the kids could get in but not all three.  So imagine my surprise.  Well, that meant lots of paperwork, emails and running around.  I had to withdraw from our Satellite private homeschool and shift everything to the other Charter school.  We were really hoping for this opportunity because we had some financial blows this year and we had some programs that we really wanted our kids to be a part of that cost a significant amount of money.  With the Charter school we get funds to use toward books, curriculum, online programs and various educational activities in the area through approved vendors.  Seth is taking writing with Write at Home, Jude is taking piano and Adelee is taking some ballet.  They all are going to be doing a PE class through a vendor that meets at a local park.  Its wonderful.  Plus I was able to get all of our Story of the World Curriculum and various other programs and books.  I meet with a Teacher once a month and we go over lesson plans and samples of all their work.  I was able to get a wonderful teacher that has been with them for nine years and I can tell already that I am going to love her.  Its a win win for us.  A way to keep homeschooling and choosing what we want for our kids but the financial burden has been lifted and not only that we are able to do things for the kids we would have had to do without or cut this year.

So I am sitting here now transferring files on my computer to free up some space for more school programs and downloads.  My bags are still not unpacked from vacation and I am WAY behind on laundry.  My dishwasher broke and my house is a complete disaster.....but I am happy.  I am super excited about this year.  We made it through the first week back and I know in a week or two things will be running much smoother.

I am hoping to take time to pop on here more as the rhythm of fall sets in.  Hoping to reconnect with reading some of my favorite blogs too.

Extended Summer

I am sitting right now in a beautiful beach house overlooking Dana Point Harbor.  Last Sunday we were given the opportunity (totally last minute) to house sit/dog sit at an amazingly big and beautiful place.  The views alone are worth it but it also has a beautiful pool and hot tub and while swimming in them you can see the ocean.

I pushed off ordering school books this summer because I was trying to get my kids in a homeschool charter to help ease some of the expense.  They are still currently on the waiting list and so I had to go ahead and place my book order, but then it was put on backorder for a few items.  Normally I would stress about not starting school on time, about not having all my books and lesson plans in place.  But this time I just kept telling myself not to worry, do what I can and be open if God has a different plan.

Well, HE did.  We were not able to really afford a vacation this summer.  We just enjoyed friends and day trips and one overnight to Santa Barbara.  But God provided a free vacation (close to where most of Aaron's work accounts are so he has continued to work while we have been here....without a commute).  I am so grateful to be given this opportunity and not bogged down with worry and cares about school but felt the freedom to go.  I honestly really enjoyed my summer this year, no regrets, but I had not felt done yet.  As our time here is winding down I am feeling FULL.  I feel like summer is coming to a close and I am ready to embrace the routine and rhythm of fall.  So glad that at least in this test I passed the do not worry......and it all turned out.  So glad to have these fun memories with my kids.

New Non Phone Pics Loading Up

I have been unable to load pics off my camera for months.  My computer was having issues.  I have had a used (new to me computer) for awhile but have not had time to transfer things and set it up.  Well that has been my project the last couple days.  I have the essentials and I will transfer what else I need as I need it.  I am beyond excited to have access to photos from my camera and not have to only share iphone photos.  While I am grateful I have had the phone to share on FB and Instagram and here the last few months it  just doesn't satisfy me like my D700.  Have to say I don't know how people with the new Nikon camera are surviving if they have old computers cause man those files are big.  Was the first time ever a new camera came out and I didn't want it.  Was happy about that too.  HA HA....since I have no money.

So right now I have some major cards loading up..........stay tuned.

Finding Encouragement In Unlikely Places

I like many people am really loving Pinterest.  It has helped me try new things in the kitchen, learn new tricks for cleaning my house and painting furniture, find clothing for special occasions, get myself some non (not gap) mom jeans (hahahaha...course I still wear my old gap ones they are comfy) and encouraged me.  I tend to hop on when I am nursing late in the afternoon or evening.  Since I am not able to watch many movies anymore or tv (still have an effect on me) it is my little indulgence.

Where Pinterest has surprised me is in the quotes and sayings.  I've always enjoyed quotes but at first it seemed like a funny thing to pin, but then certain ones I saw would really resonate with me, get me thinking, change me for the better, encourage me and make me laugh.  I have printed out some and hung them by my computer or around my house, I have bought some on Etsy, I have meditated on some, I have had my perspective changed drastically by some.

When I had my first miscarriage the word HOPE was a significant comfort to me.  Learning to hope against all hope.  I use to not hope to protect myself.  So the word hope has forever remained with me since as an encouragement to keep looking to where and what I put my hope in.  I have tried to remain hopeful.  Sometimes I fail but I am still hanging on to hope.  So I made a board specifically when I find hope quotes.

Source: modernhepburn.tumblr.com via Bethany on Pinterest

Obviously right now my biggest struggle is getting over fears and worries.  So I made a Pinterst Board Fears Be Gone to help me with that.  I have found scriptures and quotes to remind me of truths.  Fear is a lie, worry is arrogance, love more worry less.  It has been so helpful to me.  Helpful to have little blurts to pull our and speak to myself when I am struggling.  I never would have expected to be encouraged through Pinterest but I am loving finding ways to use technology for good in my life.

Source: diosmudanzas.tumblr.com via Bethany on Pinterest

I also have a general board that includes some hope and worry and fear quotes before I gave them their own place and any other funny or encouraging quotes and sayings.

Source: via Bethany on Pinterest

Do you have words that have meant a lot to you?  What are you drawn to right now in terms of sayings?  Do you have a similar collection if so share below in the comments so we can follow each other.

New School Year....Lots of Changes

We are finishing out our last week of Summer vacation.  Have a lot of family things planned this week to celebrate, plus a few necessary appointments.  Its gonna be a packed week.

We are on the fence with some school stuff this year.  It's interesting.  My kids are on a waitlist for a homeschool charter.  Was really hoping they would get in but it hasn't happened yet.  I ordered the necessary books yesterday and today.  (Was holding out because the charter if they get in will pay for books and some classes.) The non essentials I am going to hold out until October and a few other things that are digital I am waiting until the day before school starts.   I am a planner when it comes to school.  I don't think I have ever ordered later than the first week of July.  I am trying to roll with it.  It's good for me, these wrinkles in plans.  Helps me once again to trust God.  

Despite my lack of planning I am really looking forward to this next school year.  I am still going to teach art again at a co-op school regardless of if my kids get in the charter or not.  We were really wanting the charter to help pay for some special, very expensive music lessons for Jude.  He is really gifted in that area and we feel like now is the time.  But God is good because someone offered to pay his lessons until he gets into the charter.  I am super excited about watching him use his gifts.  Other than that I feel like my struggles this last spring/summer have given me a fresh outlook on life.  I really truly feel alive again.  I feel like I can filter what matters and what doesn't.  For so long so many things I wasn't doing hung like a black cloud over my head and now I really know that life is so much more simple and sweet when the kids and I aren't running around trying to keep up with everyone else but really honing in on what matters to our family.  There will be some running around, but it will be doing what matters to us.  There will be lots of down time to just enjoy one another, an afternoon hiking, dinners at the park.  There will (hopefully and prayerfully) be no comparison or guilt.  This is our life and we are  going to live it the way God is leading our family not the way John and Jane Doe down the street is leading theirs.  The weight is lifted and for that I have a smile on my face and a spring in my step.  

Well.....I want to write more on that but my one year old is calling....as in screaming and pulling my leg, literally.  So its time to hop off.

Word

Obviously one of the biggest sources of healing and strength is the word.  I have really been encouraged through devotionals that the YouVersion Bible app has available.  I usually have three going at a time.  Some shorter topic ones and two yearly ones.  I am reading the Discipleship Journal Reading Plan for the year and also Joyce Meyer: Promises for Your Everyday Life which has been VERY VERY encouraging to me.  Everyday I read her stuff it speaks to me. 

I have also completed Joyce Meyers Battlefield of the Mind Devotional, a devotional on anxiety, 15 Days in the Word with John Piper, Soul Detox and topical devotions on Anxiety, Fear of Death and Holy Emotions Biblical Responses to Every Challenge.  Some have been a little lighter and some deeper but I have received something from all of them.  I love that I can have it in my pocket and pull it out to read wherever and whenever.  This is an area where I am able to use technology well.  It is one of those major blessings.  I love technology but I am really trying to balance how I use it.

I have the acro bible on my phone but I really love the ease of Youversion for pulling up different versions, sharing verses and the devotional plans.  Its so great. 

I also downloaded Scripture Typer app.  I have memorized several verses on fear, peace etc but I am working my way through Romans 8 with a friend that I walk with and this has really helped me to memorize it.  You can access the account on the computer but its great on the phone because basically you just type the first letter of each word instead of the whole word as you are going through.  It has an area to type it out where you see it, then one where it removes some words, then finally it is a blank page.  It has been another really helpful technological tool for me.